I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
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please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
My favorite farside!!
Its a hippotatomus
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall