Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
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Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets