I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
You Might Also Like
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Never ghost your hitman.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
*weighs self after shaving
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago