I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
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FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable