I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
You Might Also Like
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing