I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
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I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?