@CroweJam: I just woke up and scared the hell out of this mortician.
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@CatherineLMK: I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
@SortaBad: Cop: Tell us what you know! Me: Penguins are monogamous creatures with noted cases of bisexuality Cop: *typing up his science report*
@KimmyMonte: I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.
@Fred_Delicious: [At work] "guys check this out" [Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air] "Holy shit help"