@CroweJam: I just woke up and scared the hell out of this mortician.
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@_davidlucas_: People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
@JCWisdomNuggets: Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes? Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty. Server: Huh? Me: No boys. Server: Huh? Me: No thanks.
@sucittaM: I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
@squirrel74wkgn: If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you. Science.