I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
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Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
this is the most humiliating day of my life