I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
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If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
#parenting
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.