I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
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Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.