some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
You Might Also Like
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary