@venomjunkie2: I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
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@astutenewf: *boss at staff meeting* Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting? Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
@Book_Krazy: Boss: This is the 3rd time I've seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means? Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
@Jennarater: Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.
@IamEveryDayPpl: My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.