I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
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Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
just having fun
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no