@GrantTanaka: I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
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@LlamaInaTux: TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS *extremely Australian accent* This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
@MrsTomServo: Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I'm gonna have to call the manager. Giant metal shoe: I've been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
@ewfeez: *at snowman mortuary* Ma'am was your husband's wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?
@OctopusCaveman: Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew