I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
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Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen