I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
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Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”