What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
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*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome