Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
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PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Delightful if true: booby trap.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd