Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
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*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.