I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
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My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.