I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
You Might Also Like
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Thinking about Jeff
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98