I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
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If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?