The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i鈥檓 making that one wear shoes
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
me: hey big boy
friend: please don鈥檛 talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
nice challenge
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 馃槑
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen鈥檚 arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn鈥檛 find a piece of paper.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
For years I鈥檝e been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.