How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
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He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.