My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps