I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.