I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
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Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
kitchen magnet
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Skills
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Me trying to walk in a dream
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I unironically love this joke.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall