The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging