I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
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My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
taking June’s advice to heart
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Oh hi lol
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.