I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
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*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Denise please return my vape pen
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
At an art museum and I thought this was art
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”