if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
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Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!