I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
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[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
The internet is magic sometimes.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
accurate
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.