I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
You Might Also Like
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
God has left this place
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.