@cjcapbt: I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn't tear away ..
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@SondraDeeMe: [train] GUY: Please take my seat. ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you. GUY: How far along are you? ME: 5 stops.
@crunchenhanced: My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation.... Google Earth says everything is just fine.
@Parkerlawyer: So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.