What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
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Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want