@allthatisbecca: I knew I was in trouble when the lady doing my nails shouted "WHO DO YOUR EYEBROW?!"
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@brunopieroni: Does WebMD ever just say "you're fine, there's nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?"
@ThRealBallsDeep: <at first day of t-ball practice> Me:What's the first rule here, boys? Kid:Don't poop your pants? M:I was gonna say "have fun" but...OK.
@causticbob: An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria. Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
@x_xaima: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..