@TheCiscoKidder: I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.
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@ahamedweinberg: Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don't wanna walk around doing grave math.
@ElKnuckelhombre: Doctor: Describe your headache. Me: She's about 5'8", blonde, and the mother of my children.
@iscoff: It's fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car's side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up