@TheCiscoKidder: I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.
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@jjhartinger: [happy hour with friends discussing politics] me: I'm going to keep my mouth shut. alcohol: wanna bet.
@pork_steaks: "Was this car tested on animals?" "sir animals can't drive" "will this car enable animals to drive?" "No" "SO YOU DID TEST IT!" "god damnit"
@Donna_McCoy: I'm looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
@NicestHippo: The inventor of the toilet must've had a rough time at his presentation. "Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea"