I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
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Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Who did it better?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
How animals would run if they were human
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems