The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
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Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.