Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.