I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
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*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw