I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
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I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
my mind
You just read my mind
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”