“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
“I’m helping” 😅
New comic up. “Ransom”
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Yup.