I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
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[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.