i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
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[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.