It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
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[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Eat…
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Lmfao
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move