Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
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My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Okey dokey.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants