I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
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Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.