@bridger_w: I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it's still terrifying because at this point, that's basically all my blood is
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@NikiWithIssues: There's a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
@internetluke: [calls up friend] Remember when you said I wouldn't ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news! "Okay, but why are you calling from jail?"
@seandunn76: I don't think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don't think my accident resulted in a concussion.
@Parentpains: It's actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she's not around to have it.