@bridger_w: I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it's still terrifying because at this point, that's basically all my blood is
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@TheAlexNevil: Me: Are you scared? 7: A little. M: Me too. It's ok. I'm right here. 7: M: Wife: Oh my god--it's just broccoli!
@JasonLastname: [sitting at bar next to cute woman] You remind me of my late wife. "Oh I'm so sorry." Don't be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
@ericsshadow: My wife just texted "I'm too young to die" after they announced her United flight is overbooked.