@BPMbadassmama: I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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@BuckyIsotope: HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY'S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL Oh god, is he sick HE'S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I'M A NERD. CALL 911
@trojansauce: [getting a haircut] BARBER: anything else? ME: cut me BARBER: what? no ME: like sweeney todd BARBER: i'm no- ME:make me into a pie
@Shadrach451: I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
@Knob_ish: Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!