I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.