I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.