i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
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Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My therapist after every session
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.