@sbellelauren: i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there's no jesus
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@better_off_dad: HR: Know why we called you down? Me: Hmm...my trench coat? HR: Try again. Me: Because I'm naked under my trench coat?
@SondraDeeMe: "Dreadfully mediocre." "Astonishing lack of imagination." "Your child peaked at age 5." - why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
@LeslieInMpls: The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.