I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
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I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
me, too, girl. me, too.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino