Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
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Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.