You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
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I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Story of my life…..
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
where do you see yourself in five years?
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
buying dead houseplants to save time
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.