I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
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her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
an octopus is just a wet spider
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?