@NightValeRadio: I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I'll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
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@shutupmikeginn: I have sloth-like reflexes "Don't you mean catlike reflexes?" [several hours later] No
@simoncholland: What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
@meganamram: Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won't send MY dog to obedience school
@LoverOfComics94: One day she says "Treat me like a princess," the next she's pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women...