Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
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saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
it was a valiant fight
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.